EVERY human activity has rules. Some of the rules are written, some unwritten. Only the rudest of savages fights without rules. So if you're going to fight with your spouse you gotta learn the rules. What's the point of winning if your friends sneer (behind your back) at your immaturity?
FIGHTS HAPPEN
These "turf wars" are required to settle who is in charge of what. In the larger scene of society this is a good definition of "politics." Politics is the orderly (?) process by which a people decide "who" is going to control "what," - and it IS all about control.
There are not enough hours in the day nor is there enough energy in the "tank" for each partner to do everything. Some division of labor must be done - for the simple expedient of efficiency.
And, NO, you do not have to do it as "mom and dad" did it. It is YOUR marriage, do it your way - but don't be shattered if the negotiations get loud. Life is real. The person you married is real. God is real.
YOU have a real ego problem. Your partner has a real ego problem. God does not have an ego problem, except that YOUR ego problem is a problem to Him. He wants for you to learn to control YOUR ego in a REAL context. It's all about control.
Besides, God, our King and our Father, did give us good instructions on how to avoid these struggles between husband and wife, but hardly anyone considers them relevant to modern times. Sigh - so, on with the fights.
WHEN YOU FIGHT, FIGHT FAIR
Turf wars will happen. Try to settle these issues in the early years. There's nothing worse than an old couple sniping at one another in public - unless it's a young couple having a divorce because neither would "give in."
Never fight in public - NEVER. Avoid fighting in front of the children or other family, certainly never involve them! (if you are tempted, see the BOTTOM LINE.)
Never, never, never, never, never, never lie to your partner - never
LOYALTY
The Old Testament definition for "love of God" more nearly resembles "Ultimate Military Loyalty." All things considered it's not the worst substitute for what goes for love these days.
Agreed, love ought to be more than just ultimate loyalty, but love must include - ultimate loyalty.
Never talk about your partner to a third party except by specific and individual permission. Third parties include family and "best friends." (In the case of abuse or criminal activity it may be necessary to violate this trust. Be absolutely certain that the help you seek WILL act in righteousness. Do not just "let it go.") Gossip is a sin.
THE LIST
We EXPECT to be #1 on our partner's list of priorities, but we ain't. This rude revelation strikes the woman earlier than it dawns on the man because women are usually tuned sharper to relationship things. But when it finally hits the man it does much more damage to his self-image. Priority #1 is usually peers (that ever shifting, un-named "they"), priority #2 is children for women and sports or hobbies for men. priority #3 is entertainment or career - and etc. Yep, you are in there about 7. Hey, you made the top ten.
Jesus Christ went to the cross for you. You ARE that important to Him. But instead you get all bent out of shape because some immature partner exposes your self-centerdness by their self-centeredness. You must get over the adolescent curse of measuring your self-image as it is reflected in the eyes of other people - who are also measuring their self-image, as it is reflected in your eyes.
MONEY
Don't make "big ticket" decisions or purchases without full agreement. Don't sweat the little ones. Try early to set the dividing line between "big" and "little."
It is not illegal to have "her" money, "his" money and "our" money, but it WILL lead to conflict. Better to each take a small allowance and have the better bookkeeper to manage the rest.
If neither of you can manage money, the lawyers are going to love you. Cut up your credit cards, throw away your checkbook, place all payments on automatic bank withdrawals, keep plenty of spaghetti in the cupboard and go ONLY on CASH. The two of you are, otherwise, a disaster waiting to happen! Our greedy, sales oriented media is specifically designed to see to it.
SEX
Work at expressing affection toward one another - but keep most of it personal and private.
Never use sex as a bargaining tool. It is normal for men to give romance to get sex. It is normal for women to give sex to get romance. Within the boundaries of marriage, this is a legitimate exchange. But never use sex as a weapon or to get anything else - that is prostitution - that is degrading. Stinginess will allow temporary control over your partner, but it will kill first your partner, then the marriage. Sex wars are all about control. The Bible says your body BELONGS TO your partner.
Never engage in any romantic adventure or sexual activity outside your marriage - never. Your partner has a RIGHT to your exclusive attention in these/this area. Jesus said that adultery starts in the mind. Sexual and romantic daydreams will cost you.
Sexual voyeurism, including pornographic materials, steamy novels and sexy videos are destructive of a marriage in the long run. Sex and romance are to be a participatory sport, not a spectator event.
COMMUNICATION - WORDS
Use words to communicate. Refrain from using words as weapons. Women are not the only ones who have difficulty with this one.
Communicate feelings along with facts, but never confuse the two. Men tend to want the facts. Women tend to want the color and the feelings of a news story. It is not wrong for a man to say to his wife, "Dear, please get to the point."
MIND READING
Never ask your partner to read your mind. "You should have known" are forbidden words. The scripture says, "ye have not because ye ask not." God CAN read minds and even He insists that we ask!
Yes, if a woman wants a hug and a warm kiss, she may have to ask, and plan the setting to achieve it. Yes, if a man is hungry and wants sex, he may have to ask. The need for romance and the power of the sex drive are designed by our good God to bind the couple together, not to serve as a source of major tension. Success in this area teaches us other-centeredness and patience.
The "cold shoulder" or the "silent treatment" is also illegal - illegal.
Keeping quiet when the other partner is boiling is not illegal nor is it hypocritical. But if the matter bothers you, do not keep quiet forever. Better to bring it up some opportune time and suffer a small fight than to suppress it and cause a deadly illness. This is a special problem with quiet personalities. The rule for school teachers is "get madder quicker so you don't get madder hotter." The same rule applies to turf wars with your spouse. Violators of this rule end up with a breakdown - or in divorce court.
ANGER/TEMPER
Anger is not wrong. Losing your temper is wrong. But, even righteous anger must have time limits. Resolve not to carry an argument beyond 24 hours. The scripture says to "let not the sun go down on your wrath."
If an argument CAN'T be settled within the time, make a definite appointment to have at it again. Do not break this appointment. Bloody corpses MUST be buried - lest they rot and stink up the entire marriage.
APOLOGIES
Use the same time rule for apologies. If you owe someone an apology: Do it timely. Do it whole-heartedly. Do it proportionately. - No 10 cent apologies for $10.00 injuries - No apology in small print on page ten for a headline insult on the front page.
Women generally want you to say you're sorry; men want an apology. Saying "I'm sorry" addresses the emotional damage one person causes another. Giving an apology is different. An apology (apo-logia) is an "uncovering" of the "logic" of what happened, with expression of regret that it turned out the way it did, and also a pledge and a plan to make sure that it doesn't happen again.
Clean up not only the "legal" but also the "emotional" wreckage of the issue that called forth the apology. If this means you must buy a small gift, make it a consumable - do NOT overreact. Overreaction is as sure a sign of a bad attitude as underreaction.
If your partner refuses to clean up after a fight, then YOU do it. AND when you do it, do it with a good attitude. Resolve that one or the other of you WILL bury the "corpse" of the fight. One husband who found his wife had a great difficulty accepting blame and consequently had great difficult giving an apology, made an agreement with her: if she accepted "responsibility" for the fight, then she would shine his shoes. If the shoes were sitting shined before 24 hours had passed, he considered the matter buried. If not, then it WAS HIS responsibility to buy flowers, a pretty hankie or a box of candy - period.
Keep short accounts with God. Keep short accounts with your partner.
COURTESY
Work at showing common courtesies to one another. It's the simple daily working of the "Golden Rule" taught by Jesus.
Do not interrupt one another. It's rude. This is especially a problem with verbal women. Give the man (or the lady) time to think. Show a little patience! It is not wrong to say, gently, "Dear, please get to the point."
Avoid sarcasm like the plague when talking to your partner. Avoid excessive "teasing" when in public.
You have to be awfully dense to expect your partner to treat you romantically in private after you have embarrassed, shouted at, belittled him/her in public.
AGAIN - AGAIN
Don't nag. If you have told your partner of a problem and if your partner understood your message and if your partner is moving toward a solution of the problem, do not continue to harp about that problem.
Do not treasure up statistics of evil. (1Co13:5c "Thinketh no evil" KJV, "Love...does not take into account a wrong suffered" NASB, "keeps no score of wrongs" NEB.) Treasure up, instead, little family stories, even family "inside jokes."
It is not legal to try a person in a court of law for the same crime - more than once. It is not "legal" to bring an old argument into the new argument. Settle it, bury it and don't exhume it without a court order.
BENDING REALITY
It is not one partners job to force the whole world to accept the other partners private view of reality. Illogical thinking is a sickness - exclusive dependence on logic is a sickness. It is not wrong to say, "No, dear. I cannot allow you to impose on me your private view of reality. Entering into your sickness will not cure my own."
Women generally file memories away as unidimensional full color photographs, but with stereo sound clips; men as chains of logic. Each time the memories are accessed, they are retouched before being put away. Photographs are stored analog, logical chains are digital and hence a bit more resistant to minor decay. Trying to compare the two after a few cycles is a most interesting exercise. But since the woman can recall such vivid detail, it is assumed (by her) that her memory is exact.
It is possible to work too hard protecting your partner from the consequences of their own actions. Let her/him defend her/him self as much as possible. Only if the pressure becomes nasty should you step in, and then only enough to restore balance. More may lead to sin.
SPIRITUAL HEADSHIP/LEADERSHIP
Father sets the spiritual tone of the home. Mother sets the emotional tone of the home. The larger the home, the more easily this can be seen.
The man IS the spiritual head of the home. This does not mean that he is automatically the domestic leader of the home. There is as much difference in head - leader for the husband as there is difference in submit - obey for the wife. Both these pairs are greatly confused by our culture.
THE BOTTOM LINE
In a domestic fight, or in any fight, for that matter, the question is: 1) for the aggressive one, "What wickedness will you pay in order to win?" and 2) for the quieter one, "What truth will you stubbornly refuse in order to avoid losing?"
Fights generally bring out the worst in us. And thus make marvelous hard memories to use against one another. See how marriage (and the church) rubs us up against our true selves in a real context so that we MUST grow in the inner person.
The goal of life is not to avoid every pressure, but rather to learn to handle pressure graciously. The goal of life is to not necessarily get thru it without making a lot of mistakes, but rather to profit from our mistakes and to grow toward maturity. The goal of life is to not necessarily get thru it without suffering hurts, but rather to learn to forgive and to become stronger and wiser about how others manipulate us.
We absolutely must get over our insane desire to control outcomes - inputs, yes, but outcomes, forget it. In the final analysis it is God who controls outcomes, and then after, what is to us, an interminable delay.
The control God wants us to have is over ourselves. God wants us to learn to control OUR mouth, OUR daydreams. We want control over others, or AT LEAST TO CONTROL OUR OWN SPACE! C'mon, face it, the only thing you really control is your own attitude.
God is a good God, and He wants us to GROW UP. We, instead, want to MAXIMIZE OUR EGO IMAGE.
The great grand goal of married life is to learn to SEE thru another persons eyes, ears, tastes, and to see that the view is real. God gave you THIS partner to cause you to see broader. WE want to be narrow specialists. God wants us to be broadly whole. WE want the feeling of SUCCESS. God wants us to possess the reality of character.
Note how God never feeds our ego, our pride, our arrogance, our selfishness, our inner lazinesses, our drive to control.
Life is real. You are real. Your partner is real. AND, God loves you both.
bmw637q 06/03/97 revised 05/18/01 rjs ddm978
Marquess of Queensberry rules [after 8th M. of Q.(1844-1900), who supervised their formulation, c.1867] the basic rules of modern boxing, providing for the use of gloves, the division of a match into rounds, etc. Webster's New World Dictionary 2nd college edition.